Category Archives: random

Sarcasm and the revelation of biblical truth

When you discover something new about God, its exciting and challenging and you want to share it, right?  Well, this is how you do it for sure…

1. Counteract opposing theologians by publicly and mercilessly tearing apart their logic.  That’ll teach them a lesson in humility.

2. Use all sorts of technical language to make people feel small – then they’ll really want to be like you.

3. People sometimes don’t get the chance to think about theology and the Bible as much as you, so mock the ideas they’ve grown up with – that’s definately the way to convince them.

4. Don’t worry about love – sarcasm is undoubtably the best way to show people they’re wrong.

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Things that probably won’t make it into the prayer letter.

The day started out fairly normally: eat breakfast, shower,  drive into town to find free wifi, pass a 20 year old girl and her mother in the street examining the sex toys in the window of the local ‘high-class’ sex shop, hear said 20 year old girl share with mother which one she particularly enjoys…  You know, just the usual.

But it all got a little bit weird around lunchtime when I had to phone Orange to sort out my broken down internet connection.  Apparently calling customer service here is not just a matter of waiting in line, but actually it is a test of your French pronunciation and a battle of wits.  Orange France do not have your average ‘If you want such-and-such, press 1, or if you need so-and-so, press 2’ – oh no! – Orange France have gone down the ‘If you wish to speak to a customer service advisor, say : “Service clientèle” ‘ route.  Hmmm… ok, I’ll try!

So, I made it past the pronunciation stage (yesss!) and then I am presented with the following : “Please state the nature of your problem”.  Now, generally the automated-speaking-lady in these sorts of things is programmed to understand certain words and phrases.  So that when you top up your electricity with NIE, and automated-speaking-lady asks you to confirm your customer service number, she reads you the number you’ve just typed and says: “To confirm, say ‘yes'”.  Simple enough.  But not Orange France!  Noooooo… they want you to just hazard a guess at the key words automated-speaking-lady going to compute.  Errmmm… “L’internet ne fonctionne pas?”  or “Internet Orange est un pile de poo?”… I guess that’s maybe easier to work out if French happens to be your first language, but its not exactly conducive to getting things done for a foreigner!

But you’ll be glad to hear that I passed that test too.  Eventually…

By this next stage, I’m beginning to wonder if I’ve been set up by some kind of Krypton Factor slash Candid Camera type thing, because a few minutes later, the lady (a real one this time) is telling me to take a knife prise open 6 metallic strips on the filter which was plugged into my phone socket.

“I’m sorry, what?  A knife??” (thinking my French ears must’ve gone on holiday)

Oui, Madame, un couteau.

Sérieux??

Oui, Madame, sérieux.

So, there I am, my mobile phone on loudspeaker on the table, hacking away at these metallic strips with a kitchen knife.  Which, by the way, did not go so well as the other tasks – Krypton Factor Girl I am Not.  After 5 minutes of me muttering and hacking and wondering if they’ll accept liability should I chop off a fingertip in the process, and during which time I’m sure the lady (the real one) is fiddling away with some things on Orange’s end to resolve the real problem, she finally tells me it doesn’t matter and to just plug the freakin thing back into the wall!  And lo and behold, she tells me there’s a fault on the line.

No shizz, Sherlock.

Lucky for you, it got sorted and I can update you on these things, eh?

Dinner was on the balcony over discussing some bible reading I hadn’t done, not praying and generally feeling pretty grumpy and pissed off.  And then the evening was topped off drinking cider out of a plastic cup down by the river in the dark.

That was my day today.

Just so you know.

That was my day.

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Filed under France/French, grrrr..., random, story

A typical day in France

Here are some things I see during a typical day in France.  Some expected, others somewhat unexpected.

– At least one man with beautifully shaped eyebrows.

– At least two people bin hoking outside my local supermarket.

– Two girls holding hands (and recently in Paris, snogging) in the street.

– A man with the face of a thirty year old, the height of a ten year old and the thighs of a female supermodel.

– A woman with the face of a ninety year old, the raven hair of a thirty year old and the fashion sense of a twenty year old.

– Several pairs of breasts (usually on magazine covers outside newsagents or on billboards I hasten to add)

– A person holding a fully fledged conversation with themselves in the supermarket.

That’s just a few to get your imagination going, I’ll keep you posted with any others I think of.  Things I smell in France might also be of interest…

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My life as written by someone else

Ever feel like someone has read your mind and published it on the internet????

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html

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I dreamed a dream…

So, dreams.

What does it mean when someone tells you they had a very “Vivid Dream” about you?  What does that feel like?  How does it seem any different to any other dream?  Is it that you don’t turn into Anthea Turner when the clock hanging from the ceiling in the apple strikes 52 o’clock?

Answers on a postcard to What am I supposed to do with that? @Smallcorner dot com.

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Ways in which sorting my apartment is like Nehemiah rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem.

1.  The project was vastly needed.  Broken walls/Ugly wallpaper.

 

 

 

 

 

 

2. The very nature of the opportunity coming about was altogether supernatural.  King Artaxerxes had previously forbidden the walls to be rebuilt (Ezra 4) and suddenly he was helping Nehemiah out/I dialled the wrong number and STILL got someone renting a flat with my very specifications (here).

3. The people all pitched in to help.  Nehemiah surveyed the damage alone and then proposed the project to Israel’s leaders and soon everyone was rebuilding and excited about doing it/ I saw the apartment (and its disarray) once and then brought friends back to see it again – they got all excited and offered to help.

4. Opposition from without.  Nehemiah quickly ran into problems with people wanting to thwart the progress/ It took longer than expected for the landlord to get me the key to the entrance door at the bottom and I had to endure a yelling over the intercom with a friendly neighbour who was getting fed up with letting me in (all of two times.  humpff)

5. Opposition from within.  The Israelites started getting fed up with building/ I AM GETTING FED UP WITH PAINTING!!!!!!!

6. More opposition from without.  Nehemiah and the people are getting somewhere but all sorts of complaints and attempts to stop the work/ I have managed to get internet and phone into my apartment but am still wrestling with the gas company, the electricity company, the gas boiler service company, the kitchen appliance delivery guys, the furniture delivery guys, the weather and I think my neighbours already hate me.

7. The walls get finished, the law is read and they all live happily ever after (more or less!)… Please Lord!!!!????

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Empathising with Eve over the Apple

Just so you know… This time next week, I will hopefully be the owner of a sparkly new Macbook.

Selling my soul for an Apple.

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Filed under beauty, happiness is, modern life, morals, perfect love, random, story