I am terrified of being myself.
I feel strength and passion within me that don’t fit with the ‘nice girl’ image that seems most acceptable to the world.
I fear stepping out as me for two main reasons.
One : My strength and passion demand a confidence and courage that would undoubtedly be intimidating to most men, thus lowering my chances even further of being fallen in love with and married. The ridiculous thing about this is that I do not want a husband who would want me to be less than myself or what I am called to be. I long to want that for a husband and for a husband who longs for that for me. So to think of being a shadow of myself just so that I could marry someone is preposterous.
Two : I still fear that my strength and passion are nothing special. That really all I have is this ball of longing for great things I cannot name and therefore cannot offer; that I cannot work out what it is I am meant to be doing and that even if I do, it won’t be anything worth making a fuss over. These feelings are also ludicrous because why do I feel like it needs to be something that others would be able to see and to measure?
I want to be me with reckless abandon. Like the way God created his world : tucked away animals and plants in parts of the world no human eye would ever see, flung myriads of stars into space for sheer joy rather than for counting, made music and painting and poetry…
I want to give and receive love in that way – not in the tight-fisted manner of fear and self-protection, but with freedom and joy and reckless abandon