Its been a little over a year since I first blogged about my fear of being Second Rate and about 18 months since my heart first broke about the issues surrounding the role of women in the church.
Its been a long, slow journey which is far from being over, but one that I feel strangely content to be on.
The initial fear of not being what I should be and a resulting wavering in my confidence about the character of God still visit me from time to time. The pain I feel over generations of gifted women being judged, excluded and made to doubt their worth continues to throb deep within me and I’ve realised that that is regardless of which side of ‘the debate’ (or kerfuffle!) they reflect.
The pain, the tears, the conversations… I have been pushed to think through something which is a crucial issue to my life journey in more ways than I ever would have imagined. The battle to walk alongside the high horse as opposed to climbing up on it or lying down under it is never far below the surface. When I meet certain people, hear certain jokes, encounter certain issues, there is a struggle not to judge, exclude or hurt; a struggle to take each person as an individual whose ideas about one thing does not automatically mean they think the other, a person to know rather than a debate to avoid; a struggle to root myself in what God says rather than what others think of me. I need constant reminders that the goal is to love, not to prove that I am right. To love and serve Jesus, to glorify him – make the character of Yahweh known – in everything I am, just as He did.
As the journey goes on, I am more convinced that my footprints are not alone on this path. I am more confident in the harmonies I’m singing in the great choir. I am more concreted in the love my Father has for me…
But there’s still a long way to go.